In order to be

Who are you to judge me and say who I am. You think you know me from on the outside but you don't. There is a lot more to me than a body and a brain. I have sanity and humanity. I have emotions and feelings just like you. I have interests and dislikes. I am no different than you are. Who are you to tell me what will happen. Say how I will feel. What I'll remorse or regret. Say what I'll like or love. Who are you to predict my future. I make me future and I make my decisions. No one is perfect and no one will ever find the perfect person for them that has all the same interests and experiences. That would obviously be boring, you need those differences. Who are you to say what I will get and will not receive. Who are you to say what I should think and say what's wrong and right. Who are you to tell me what I am and stick a giant label on my forehead. For you don't know me. You don't know what I think. You don't know about my past and future. You don't know how I feel. You don't know what I like and dislike. You don't know who or what I am.

Mo-vember

Well guys, been quite a while. A bit has happened since. So I'll try to clue you guys in without making it a puzzle or the Davinci Code.

Well still working at Dollarama. It's still alright. My shifts are back to 7-3, days go by fast. We are falling behind though and it's getting a little stressful. They got me working in seasonal for a couple days, leaving my aisle alone and there are piles of boxes there now. So, ah! We constantly getting new people or transfers to help out.

Ended up going to Edmonton in October, since I don't think I said in any past posts. It was a really good time. Some ups and downs but overall very good. Hopefully again soon. I like their scene there.

Dad was away for 2 weeks in October and a bit in November. Back now. Got used to taking care of it on my own though. Except for my brother who didn't do anything around the house.

Lost my visa and a lady found it and was going to give it back. And it was a couple days later and I needed it so I just cancelled and ordered a new one and unfortunately she dropped it off just that night. Car was in the shop for a bit, just got it back and now the check engine light it back on. Seriously?

My grandma had a heart attack a little bit ago. She is doing fine now though. Made me cry knowing that I'm starting to lose them. One grandma has cancer and my mom's parents both have had heart attacks. Went to visit her with my mom in the hospital. It went well and saw my aunt from Ontario.

I don't know why but lately I feel like I finally find a jolt of happiness and sense of comfort and feel like I found a little part of myself but it eventually leaves or turns out to be false. I don't know what I want anymore. I'm constantly busy and changing. I can only now think back to those good times that made me smile just for a sense of enjoyment. Every one else is moving on in their lives and I feel like I am in the same spot I have been for a couple years. When will I ever get out of this "I don't know" stage. This clueless feel inside me just makes things feel like what's the point? I know there is a past of depression in my life but I thought it was gone and I at least moved on from that. Everything is moving at a fast pace and I just can't seem to keep up so all I can do it just sit back. I want to delete Facebook but there are close friends and family on there that I just can't because this is the only contact I have with them. May even start looking for a better paying job, but don't know for sure yet.

I realized a little about myself today though. I like bringing people into my life but I get a sense of 'uncomfortableness' when I am brought into their life. I feel like I'm intruding and I know I have been like this since I was little. I always had problems with just walking into people's houses even when they told me to, having dinner with others parents, talking to their family, siblings and friends. I'm more of a listener than a talker with most people. I'm so damn awkward. I have this hard shell around me and I know people tell me I care to much what others think or I am just shy. Yes, I am probably just shy but that's just who I am. Not a quality that I like much about myself, but I prefer to not be that remember-able whether it's a good memory or bad. I prefer to leave no trail that I was ever in someone's house. I know have these weird tendencies and issues and I have no idea where I got them from but that's just who I am.

Happy Sunday everyone. Go play in the snow!

End of September

This feels great. Honestly, having this job may be adding stress and pain related issues to my life but it's great. I am a lot more tired since I work at 7 in the morning and gotta go to sleep earlier, but now I have something to do and am making money. I'm even in charge of two aisles. I'm getting the hang of it and soon I'll be trained on cash. I just got a new debit card (happy I lost my old one now because I got a scene card)  and I found out I have around $640 sitting in there (also because I just added $200 to it from dad for getting a god report card a little 'signing' bonus) and soon to be over a grand since this was my second week working. I don;t know exactly when I'll get paid but I'll look on probably Sunday or Monday since that is when our schedules are taken down. Starting an 8hr shift next week so I get to make close to $100 more each week. It'll be good! Sure longer but I got stuff to do and the week after we start counting and more training.

Anywho! Hopefully I get to sleep over at Jason's tonight. Got a busy weekend. Saturday is the Enduro at 2pm at the tracks, apparently where people go to trash their cars and on Sunday I am going to Melfort to a rodeo with Lauren and meet her boyfriend. Haha once again I don't get to sleep in on my Sunday. Last Sunday I went with Jason and some of his Honda club to a Fallout car meet in Regina. It was FONKING hot, I wore skinnies and a white tank top because I thought it was chilly. NO WAY JOSE! I was melting into a puddle, drank a ridiculous amount of water but yeah it was great. I know he probably thinks I didn't have a good time but I honestly did. May not have known many people, until I talked to some later that night, but some of those cars! Inspiring. Great ideas. Just wish I had a car to work on and a nice one.

Anywhosle. Got stuff to do and people to see. I'll be back on a post something in a bit, nothing much to say that's new and exciting in my life but yeah. I also am planning on going to Edmonton one weekend soon because I want to go before it starts to get too cold out or even snowing. Yikes!

Have a great day! (:
xo

Awww Yeaaah

Good news! Finally got a job today. I was hired on the spot at Dollarama as a daytime stocker. I'd also be doing some cashier work as well. Good pay and good hours. Monday to Friday 10-5 so far. And finally my dad is getting off my back and said no more curfew. Boo yeah!?

Things are finally looking up. Had a great weekend. Went out with Jason to a friends house, ending up drinking a bit and having a great time meeting new people and talking to friends. Even danced and watched a guy rap like the first time I met him. Overall a good night! Sucks that even a little bit of alcohol can do so much damage to me in the morning. I hate hangovers. I need to make SURE I drink a ton of water before I go to bed. I have also decided I'm switching to beer for a while. Going to find the good stuff. Man hard liquor just doesn't do too well with me since the whole 'hospital' thing. Especially mixing shots and beer and the brightest thing to do either. But anywho! It's not over yet.

You all have a great weekend and if you want, leave a comment telling me any alcohol/hang over tricks?

Have fun and be safe! Don't do anything I wouldn't do (or would). XO

Wednesday

Hello people! Just another day.

Well my party was good I guess. Got drunk, didn't end up in the hospital so that's good. Mostly drank beer and had some good friends over from school. Jason slept over but then left in the morning and haven't seen him since. Last time I saw him he was walking out my bedroom door. And sucks also a lot of things are going pretty down hill.

I want to do so many things, I want to get a job, I want to make money so I could do plenty more things, but no employer is allowing me to be successful and prove to them I can do it! I want to move out, live my own life without someone dictating it. Can I do that with you? Can I live with you or am I just going to worry more about women and feeling like I am holding you back from what you could be doing? I just want to know what I am doing wrong.

Well anyways, new album out by The Weeknd. Great except I wish he didn't use that much auto tune. He has an amazing singing voice. Even Drake is in one of the tracks called Thursday.

I just received some money for my birthday and hopefully plan on going to Edmonton real soon. Well anywho, I have dreams plans and memories. Let's see where life goes! 

Talk to you all soon and feel free to ask questions or comment on any post. (:

xo

August

May as well make a post during August before it's gone. I apologize for not writing most of the summer. A lot has been going on, not like any of you care. You don't know me.


Birthday coming up very soon. Party this Friday, just sucks that a lot of people may not be able to make it because its a long weekend, as usual on my birthday. And it sucks that Jason is leaving on my birthday (Saturday) to Edmonton to partay. I'll miss him a ton but I'll know he will have fun and that's all that matters.


Today I'm heading over to my mom's for a BBQ/moving in party. Her new university student tenant that's a girl and her boyfriend, Roi, are moving in today and she is having people over. I know this will be good for her and her boyfriend has a great sense of humor. He even came to my graduation which was very nice of him. My dad is also seeing another girl who I like to call Splenda because her name sounds like it and I bet she is splendid. I'm glad both my parents are happy now and not fighting, living their lives and not at each other's throat.


Still applying and sending out resumes, never knew how picky people were. Not even a dishwasher job. :/ But oh well. Glad that all the university students are quitting to go back to school so more job opportunities for me. I am planning on saving most of my money.


Even though I only went one night on cruise weekend and am not downtown today for the last day, it was fun. Amazing cars. I didn't think to see half the cars there. Was funny though when I went to see Jason and he was standing with his club and I was at my car with Sabrina wanting beer, these two guys in a truck pull up and basically ask us to a party and try 'n pick us up! I laughed so hard after. Jason came over though after they left which was cute. 


Blink 182 was on Friday and oh my goodness! Amazing. Rancid and Against Me were good too, but people just were sitting/standing around most of the time and getting hammered for Blink. They are really funny though. Got a good sense of humor, amazing songs and great live. I would definitely see them again, if they ever go back on tour.


That is all folks. I'll hopefully be posting more. I wasn't really putting it off, I would have posted sooner but I had nothing to say really. But when I do, I will. Have yourselves a good Sunday! 
xx oo

Don't You Fall In Love

So don’t you fall in love
Don’t make me make you fall in love
Don’t make me make you fall in love with a nigga like me
Nobody needs to fall in love
I swear I’m just a bird
Girl, I’m just another bird
Don’t make me make you fall in love with a nigga like me
Like Me


No one really knows the feeling. You can ask anyone, "Have you been in love before?" Most of their replies will be a yes. But really, have you? If you were in love you wouldn't have broke it off. You just had a very strong connection with another individual. Maybe something bad happened or you guys were both looking for something different out of life. I'm glad I start this dating adventure at a later age some people. I started just before grade 10. If I had started in elementary school, I don't know what I would be going right now. I'd be so confused, so "heartbroken" like the rest of the worlds population that over fourteen years of age.


Young people seem to think that they are 'mature'. That they have experienced so much more than some and that makes them wiser and smarter than others. Slap those across the face. They don't know what they are talking about and they sound stupid. That's life as a teenager. You experience shit! You experience loss, heart breaks, difficult times, good memories, bad situations, and everyone gets abused a little these days.


Who says that those who are desperate are right or those who wait for love to walk around are right? Those who are desperate go out and look for what makes them happy. Then get more heartbroken then those who wait, but they slowly learn what they like and don't like about people and life. They find out their potential and what they want. Those who wait don't make themselves vulnerable to hurt. They are strong and put up a bit of a wall. The one person who can tear down that wall carefully and ease into their territory can win their hurt. They know for sure. They don't put themselves out there and look for love out of anything. They let the 'spark' happen on its own.


And who am I to be talking about the secret life of love. I am only seventeen going on eighteen. I don't know what love is,  no one should know what love is until the moment they die. That's what I think. Love is a friendship, romance, a connection and bond that you cannot have with any other human being on this planet. Love is when the other pops into your mind with positive thoughts and all you can think about is holding them and telling them how you feel. when you constantly check your phone to see if you got a text from them and when you do, you smile just by seeing their name. Love is when you have things in common and nothing in common at all. You love each other's flaws and differences. You love the good and bad about them. Love is when you touch them, the slightest tap, you get goosebumps. When you see them smile and look into their eyes, you melt. When you kiss the world around you spins and time stands still, nothing matters but you and that other person at that moment, until you hear some one screaming "Get a room!"


Love is full of surprises, good and the bad. No one is perfect, we are all human and make mistakes. We don't know what we like or what we want. We make it your mission in life to figure us out. People fuck up and that's normal. Don't fall in love with me.
I am a woman. 
I will tear you down. 
I will hurt you. 
I will burn you. 
I will trick you. 
I will make you fall in love with me. I'm just another girl. Like the rest of the woman population. Nothing different about me from the rest. I don't stand out, I fit right on in like a puzzle piece from birth. No body needs to fall in love. Just another bird.

Surfacing

You're launched out into nowhere with a mission. That mission you are given is actually a mystery. You are given a letter only ready to be opened when you don't know where to go or what to do. You open it only to find that it's a blank sheet of paper. Now what? You scrounge around looking for the answer but you cannot find a single thing or a single hint. You are left out there with no communication and cut off from the society beneath you. You always cry for help with the slightest chance of being heard. Slowly lose your sanity. Soon enough everyone is insane and they all think their tickers are working perfectly. As the time passes, slowly dissolving into this media run society with one mental brain controlling it, you buy into it. That you have one mission. That you have one answer. That we are all hear to make a difference. We are all unique. All one of kind. You're wrong, you're insane. We are told as kids about fairy tales and and myths. We believe what we are told and we take that and pass it on. Pass it on to others and other generations. We look stupid, we are their little puppets, they try to contain us into one small package, keep us from having a voice and speaking up. Those who speak up look insane. No their not. They are brave. You're little blank white piece of paper isn't going to get you anywhere, do what you want to do. This is nonsense, this post is nonsense.

The more of you the merrier

Brought up into this endless pit of anguish. Stop telling me things get better because they obviously don't. There are moments when the sun shines bright, other than those short moments you are covered by clouds and lightning ready to strike you down like all the rest of the monsters inhabiting this earth. I do not see why things must be fabricated to each and every person. Something is always false when people speak to others these days. People hide things like the dirty deeds that they are ashamed of, thinking that if they bury them deep enough they will not ascend. Those things are ticking time bombs, just sitting there waiting to be detected. Once that thing is created, it can't just disappear. Those things cannot hide. They will be found. 

Don't fucking tell me everything is going to be okay. Each day something happens, something brings me down into that one fucking hole and it keeps getting deeper and deeper. Soon enough I'll touch the core. Then how fucking happy will you be, that part of it was your fault, responsible, for playing me.

Asphyxiate

Thoughtless Rant:
That hero will come a day, not knowing if they are there or if you must still find them. You will never know until the moment before you die and realize they mean everything to you, every breath you took you shared, every passionate moment you had their company. Maybe this realization may come sooner than that, but no one knows. Feelings change, people change, the world changes. A never ending constant cycle of pain, laugh, joy, love and hatred. Connections between two people is literally a roller coaster, you never will get to fully understand that other person. There will always be something new, some sense of mystery. My fine words are that do what your heart tells you, if the message is scrambled, fucking fix the puzzle.


Lately, I have been reminiscing about the past and future. Don't worry, still living in the moment and moving forward . Now that I am finishing high school, for good, I think it's time that I set the right path for my life. Get a good start. Live how I want to live.


There are so many things I want to achieve and am motivated for but the fact of getting hired and earning money is going to be hard for me because I have so little experience and am so awkward and shy. But I think it's time that I just do something, set some goals and accomplish something.


The past has been so good. I always think to myself that my generation growing up will end up quite well, we do have a dependency on technology and are quite independent but when I see kids these days attached to their Nintendo DS or little kids carrying around an iPhone or BlackBerry, I am a little sad. I didn't have a phone until grade 8, before that I got to use a walkie talkie. When my generation has children, ask them if they know what a walkie talkie is or the movie The Land Before Time or even the thing that is on a plastic stick with a ball on one end and a circle on the other where you put your foot through and you twirl it around on your ankle and jump over it. Bet you they won't know what it is. All the board games we grew up with and the technology will be so different. Maybe even when we have children they won't even know what a CD player is or iPhone. Crazy...


Ciao. (:
(p.s. going to get so little sleep, staying up late and walking up so early for my first final, shit I'm stupid.)

Bigger Picture

"Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you."

- Bob Marley

Double U, Tee, Eff?

I don't know who you are anymore. What happened? I sure as hell didn't do anything, I've always been there and supported you through everything. I don't know what else I could ever do for you after all that I've done. I'm being taken advantage of and that I know. This is fucking ridiculous. I want you in my life but seriously, just stop that. I don't do it to you, why do it to me? This has happened on a number of occasions and I understand and all that it was back then but now? Really? Yeah, I'm pissed about it. Who wouldn't be.

Summer?

Hello hello fellow people.

I'm going to be a crazy, pmsing female teenager at this point because I don't give a fuck. Don't judge, don't even read if you don't care or are just going to say stupid shit. I'm just putting this down somewhere, being stupid and viral and shit, and that's it. Not looking for anything or sympathy or advice. Just a pair of eyes and possibly a brain to go with it if you wish.

Never been so confused. I'm just waiting for High School to be over so there is jsut less drama in my life. A week left of classes then I have 2 finals (fuck yeah). I'm just letting things fall into places where they want to be, I don't want to make decisions anymore. Call me immature if you want or even stupid but I'm doing what I want. I don't care what happens to me anymore, if I get hurt, then koodos to me. Don't be standing there telling me 'I told you so'. I want to get this all into order. I want to stop stressing. I want to go out and have fun, take life seriously and grow up. I want to have those experiences that I never got to have. I want to go out and have fun, but obviously I fucked that up too. I am just so awkward and shy, it's ridiculous!

Anywho, that's my rant of the evening.

Ciao.

The Knowing

This past week has been treacherous. These feelings and thoughts have been haunting me and they seem to be demons to my brain and heart because they just won't leave me alone. Getting brushed off, showing my place, I am trying to read you. It's too hard to read someone when there were parts and words missing. My heart is in my stomach it feels so sunken and I shake at the thought of something terrible. This monster is attacking me and don't know what will be left of me. This creature has been here all along, you kept it away. It has dark, pitch black eyes that can stare into you and you are paralyzed. What do I do now being paralyzed?

Past Prophet

You just can't forget things. You try to get over them and push them to the back of your mind so that things just aren't broughten up. The worst part is the fact that something happened and you wish you didn't know. It's like an image you see or a catchy stupid song in your head and even though you forget about it, it's still there. When there is nothing else think about or you overthink it always seems to come back up. Even on those nights when you thinking about the world and life, that one thing will come up and it may be good but it is usually bad, and then you keep thinking it over and over again. There is nothing you can do about it once it's there. It's engraved into your brain! The only way I know how to deal with this, is just think about something else after I am done with those thoughts and wait for another time it'll pop back up in my head. Each time it hurts.

(Not meant to make sense, only to me)

Victoria Day eh?

Bonjour et salut!

Been a while since I wrote on here yes, but I do have a reason. I was going to the day after me and Jason's anniversary but it just so happened that the blogging site was down for a while and I just never came back on.

So, since my last post, I have had my one year anniversary with Jason. Been going to school, gone to a rave, and had this long weekend, which today happens to be Victoria Day. I have also become addicted to a favourite DJ of mine named Skrillex. I apologize for the lengthiness of this post.

So for our anniversary, I decided to surprise him with a little card and Armin Van Buren 2 disc CD because he was leaving that weekend to Calgary to go to Armin's concert. I decided to dress up a bit, which wasn't necessary, but we chose to go to Amigo's. I tried something I've seen but never tasted before, this salad in a taco bowl with beef. It was awesome! Then I decided to take Jason out to a nice little ice cream shop and buy him and myself ice cream. So flipping good! Came home, changed into comfiness and I looked like more of a dude than Jason in a baggy LA sweater, skinny jeans and large Nike shoes while he wore my hello kitty belt and bright pink toque, and we went for a nice walk. Came back home and went on chatroulette and fooled around on there. That was the best and first anniversary I've ever had. Hopefully more to come... eh? (:

School sucks lately, only academic classes I have are christian ethics and English, which suck! In clothing I just started and am almost done my skirt. Hopefully it turns out!

The rave on Friday was called Temptation 3 and it's a biggie! It was so much fun. Unfortunately, Jason couldn't come but it was just me, Sabrina and Dylan. Me and Sabrina wore masquerade masks, fishnets, short shorts and tank tops and we still melted until we were a puddle on the floor. It was ridiculously hot, most I've ever sweat at a rave! Dylan was so funny because he wore a purple morph suit with a toque. That purple man got a lot of attention that night!

And with this long weekend, it was amazing. Went out each night. Had an absolute blast. Now I just have to look forward to graduation and summer starting. Best of luck!

Stay awesome!
xo

Just wanted to tell a little story for this fine special day.

So 11 months ago from today was actually when me and Jason started dating. Today started off with me staying home sick and waking up at around noon and some dude here fixing the windows all day. I get a message from Jason close to one saying I've been thinking.. hate to say this but I think we should see other people. I replied like three times a little worried, didn't know if he was joking but when he started to not answer, I really took him seriously. Then I asked for him to reply and he said he did and I sent him a few more, kinda freaking out by then. Not going to lie, I did what most girls do when they are breaking up with their boyfriend, I cried. I text sabrina and another friend really worried. Like I was thinking that this past weekend was a good one, I didn't know what I did wrong but all I wanted was to fix it and for a flippin reply. Finally he says that he sent Just kidding! Happy 11 months baby! <3. Haha Thank GOD! I blame technology, haha stupid timing for the service to be crap!!! Haha but it was overall okay. (: I sort of got a chuckle.

Fast Forward

I wish I could into the future to know what's best for me. Fast forward to see how things should turn out. Know what is really going to happen. Or we could all die now from nuclear radiation. Gloomy.

Anywho, past while ain't been the greatest but hopefully it's getting better. It really sucks that I'm leaving agan tomorrow at noon to Calgary with the band and choir from my school and will be leaving there on wednesday. Shoot me. Grade elevens and stupid people. Get to be around the 24 hours of the day for 4 days. Stress has been killing me.

My phone is smashed and have to wait to find out how to put shit on my computer since I got a new one and agh! I just feel lost. Don't know what to do with this "gift" of life I was given. I understand that I'm still young and hopeless but honestly, GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK, please and thank you. You, the higher power or whatever, people are not suppose to go through this, mixed emotions, these situations. With what I have been through I could be like 30 by now.

I wonder what it would be like, to move out and just keep to myself for a week. No contact, no appointments, only time I would go outside would be to get food or the essentials or something. Just do some good "soul-searching". As much as I love talking and company, I would want to teach myself to live just on my own. Without dependence which I have been living with for the past 17 years of my life. I want to be independent, free, myself. When you are independent you are yourself.

I've accepted myself. I've accepted the way I look and the way I act. The way I am involved in these situations that life throws at me still confuses me. I've accepted the name calling, the thoughts, and the people that are in my life.

Everyone needs something to believe in. Everyone gets by in their own way. Everyone copes their own way. I would really like to know what my future is so I know if this life is worth it. Pulling through all the shit.

Yes, I do and probably always will always wish that I was someone else, someone better, not so damaged. As proud as I am that I made it through all these experiences, I still have a hate towards myself and how blinded I was. How stupid I was and I won't know till the future if I am being stupid now. Concequences will always come. Rewards or punishment. It doesn't matter. It's always going to be about satisfying other people. You're life is about pleasing people and waiting. And the sad truth is, us all being human, we are all waiting to die. Sorry to say that, and I know you're probably thinking "Wow, this chick has problems." But you know I'm right, and all we are doing is trying to stay happy and pull through all the bullshit in life until the day we decease.

We find people to talk to, always looking for the answer to life, find love, happiness, sorrow. We live to feel. We live to die. Isn't that a mindfucker? There will be obsessions and there will be rejections, but that's all about moments. What happens next? The same shit but a different toilet. I scare myself, and I know I scare others because they have told me. I may not be the most upfront about being so fucked up but even though I try my hardest not to let people see it, they still run.

I'm alright with being myself, because no one else is me. But I'm still a mistake making, stupid, hopeless, emotional, dramatic human being, and that's something that is hard to live with.

My vacation

So here it is and I'll be the first to say; this was pne of the worst vacations ever. Yes, I understand my dad put a lot of time and money into it. But it was just the worst timing ever and the people that made it so bad. Where shall I start:
 is my trip to Hilo, Hawaii.

Depressing day leaving right when Jason just got back that day.
Left and I made myself tired so I'd sleep on the flights.
Land in Honolulu and we are late because of Air Canada, so we run to the other end of the airport to try and catch our flight.
We are five minutes late and that was the last flight that night so we are on the next flight then next day around noon and sleep in a crappy hotel.
Finally leave and get there, nice place we are staying and got a nice car. We find basically all there is to do there. First couple of days we basically accomplished it all.
Went to both the volancos, the zoo, Hilo, refuge, the other city Kona. All done and I was bored adn ready to leave and I missed Saskatoon and home and friends and familiarity.
So the days we chilled at home it was raining for most of it so got two small days of tanning in.
Went on a helicopter ride, almost sick, thank god I didn't puke though.
And the plan was to leave the next day.
So that wasyesterday, still in hawaii. Our flight was to leave around 5. They cancelled the flight on us. Meaning we have no connection to honolulu, calgary and saskatoon.
Waited around the airport for hours and this is all we figured out.
Air canada is taking all the money we had for our flights. We didnt leave here til 9am and got to wait here (in honolulu airport) for approx 10 hours and leave to vancouver at 9:20. Wait a few more hours then leave to Calgary. We get to Calgary around 10 something tuesday morning and since there are no flights and seats left we are planning on driving to saskatoon which is 6 and a half hours. So today was jason's birthday and i had to miss it because of this stupid airlines problem. Also, they are making us pay for it out of our asses, which my dad actually now, I just found out had some travellers insurance or something. But, seriously? Like what the fuck. Well, i cannot wait to be home and I wish i left earlier or never left at all.
Fuck you airlines; you fucked up everything.

Venting

I am also done (excuse my language in this post) giving a fuck! I'm serious now. I thought that I was just too attached and was tired of how things were working out, so I thought maybe sicne the best time was when we first started dating and I didn't care that much maybe things would be better. So many girls come out to you, get close to you, try to play with you... yes, I get pissed of at them and want to tell them off because these girls obviously have no respect that you are in a relationship and have no respect for me. Especially when two of them tried being friends with me and one is still trying and now I think realizes the boundaries.

But, yeah this is how it's going to go down. If you don't care, I won't either. If you wanna go hang out with a girl who I don't like, fine I don't care. You want to hide things from me, fine I don't care. You want to just not be open with me even though I tell you all I can so I can get it in return, fine I don't care. You can cheat, I don't care, just know that if I find out there will be concequences. You want to hurt me, fine I don't care. The reason I worried in the first place is because I cared. Sorry that I'm still stuck with how I thought relationships were kinda suppose to be because of my last fucked up relationship and I don't even know what a normal relationship is. And I know I'm just venting right now, but I'm done giving a fuck. I'm done being the one to talk first, to ask first, to care first. I have made sacrafices in all my relationships and the guys always seem to never really realize how hard that is for me. I'm done. I still love him with all my heart and would be torn if we broke up, and I am happy. I don''t understand and I'm tired of trying to talk to you about it. Now it's your turn. (:


By the way, don't take everything I just said seriously, I am jsut venting the only way I know how at the moment.

Home?

Sorry it's been a while guys! I'm on vacation at the moment. And do not get mad at me for this, but honestly the Big Island of Hawaii is really not that great. Well it is, just really boring. Yeah, you can tan and see volcanos, had a free zoo, but other than that, we have a week left of this and basically have done all that there is to do. Snorkelling is good but dangerous, no life guards or signs, waves. I went once, the greatest stuff is out where it's super wavey and you always get water in your snorkel tube I found. I saw a lot of cute spotted boxerfish/pufferfish like we used to have in our aquarium back home.

Anyways, the thing is, I want to go home. Early! Ya, it's vacation, I know to relax. But once you have done everything that basically occupied your mind from being homesick, what's left? I really want to go home. Back in Canada. Yes, it's nice here but I am a person that likes being comfortable with my surroundings and being familiar. I don't know anyone here and won't meet anyone because this isn't a touristy place and never really talk to anyone. Only people we talk to would be the cashiers and they seem nice but yeah, that's pretty sad. I miss my friends, I miss the cold and I miss Saskatoon. I feel so out of place here.

I finished Sabrina's gift, and almost done Jason's. I realy wanna find a little set of shot glasses saying hawaii or something on it to bring back for a few people. That would be easy.

I need to be home. I miss all of you ): <3

1ove

Last full week of school. Can I hear a "Woo WOO!"

My heart
        crimson red
beats for -- the
   1ove

Discovered this on my own at school today while writing in English waiting for the bell to ring. I put one love then realised I could put 1ove and be witty and clever about it. (:

I kind of feel a deep sensation. A chance to be one with myself and this universe. I exist as one. Different perspective, different thoughts and different interpretations.

"And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could, oh...

You don't wanna hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.
There's a thunder in our hearts, baby.
So much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?"
(Placebo - Running up that hill)
 Those eyes I stare into I drown into.
Deep, deep meaning.
Though I lose myself in them, and cannot escape.
I feel a comfort and
I know that I am in good arms.

What I just wrote will probably have no significance to you or you can interpret it to your own. But I will be the only one that knows that certain feelings I get and know why I wrote what I wrote.

TGIF

Hello there people bored enough to read this blog.

It's just a thursday night well now I guess it's a friday morning, it's close to 1 am, and the reason I am up so late and not caring is because I get to sleep in tomorrow. Missing all morning and then my afternoon classes we are just watching basketball. Now that's a good Friday.

Just under two weeks until I leave to Hawaii and miss all my friends and Sabrina and Jason very much. ): You guys are always going to be on my mind and I would think there is internet there so I am forsure bringing my lappy. Haha, Jason almost saw his V-day gift tonight, it was kind of hidden on the table so secretly, even though he was standing beside me, I took a plastic bag out and just stuffed everything in there. Very sneaky!

Anywho, does anyone ever get that gut feeling when you just know something is off? I tend to get that a lot, tonight it was because of my dad how Jason was acting around me. Then I apparently looked like I was crying, which I was not. But yeah, it was just that feeling that something was wrong and I am the person that worries, kind of a lot once I got that idea in my head. Kind of hard to when even on your birthday and you're with your boyfriend at the time, cuddling and he pulls his phone out in front of you. You obviously look and read some of it and it happened to be a girl that wants him in the city next to us. He says that they would do stuff... and we are dating... HELLO! I get pissed and he is just she knows I'm joking... She didn't and never did know we were dating or that he had a girlfriend. He just said for my sake, that they couldn't do that just because, and I get yelled at. So yeah, I know how girls work because of course I've done it and I've been there. It's sick. Girls should know that when a boy is in a relationship they should Back The Fuck OFF! I would never encourage a boy to cheat on their girlfriend. That's terrible! Anywho, that's one story of my life. Happy sweet 16 to me. I'm 17 now and this past birthday was the best.

Well I hope this month is amazing for me and everyone else!

Keep it real people and drink your god damn milk!

Upcoming Events

Well today was the beginning of semester two at high school! It's the last semester of my high school life. Excited and saddening in a way. Some people your friends with but you usually only see them at school, now you may have little contact with them after graduation. But, will be so freaking happy that I don't have to go to hell everyday and see people I dislike. Also, I could be at a job making moola.

Got another first spare and taking Clothing 30 in period 3, right before lunch. It kind of sounds exciting now, I was kind of doubting it thinking I should drop it. But, I really think that I can use it in my future and make my own things. (: Just, it's been a real long time since I've seriously sewn something. English is going to be a gong show, and math C30 is a small class, and a good one so far. Ridiculously cold though!

So, ♥Valentines Day♥! First, this is my very first Valentines that I've actually had a boyfriend on. Last year, my ex-boyfriend now, dumped me two days before. Wreck! So, I can probably not say what I'm making at home because he may read this. But I'll try to take a picture of what I make and show you guys. So far, only one person knows! Hope it turns out well. Crossing fingers! I also would like to buy a little something to go with it (because what I'm making him won't last long, which you'll find out later why).

Two days after Valentines I am leaving to Hawaii, the big island! Never been to that island before and it sounds amazing and relaxing. Going to be full of cooking, exploring, lava, and snorkeling. I come back on the 28 early in the morning so I am missing school that day, and it also just so happens to be Jason's birthday that day. So I plan on taking him to a nice dinner and spend a nice evening with him on a boring monday.

That's basically my entire next month. In school I will be working on grammar and an essay in English, a project in clothing, course work in math and same old stuff in christian ethics and band. Lame! But yeah, I think this month will go by very fast then soon enough we will have 4 months left of high school. How about that?!

Thanks for reading you losers! Just kidding, lovers? Glad we had this discussion. I am very fond of you... Moving on. Good night fellas!

FML Is Awesome

Something I read on my FML app:

"Today, I asked my boyfriend in a sexy way, "What should we do now, honey?" He answered, "Suck my dick?" I said, "I was thinking of something more... romantic." He replied, "Suck my dick in the moonlight?"FML."

That one made me literally laugh out loud.

A book? I don't read.

I have decided as a little project on the side for my free time, I am going to write my own little story. A little bit about me but in a way a typical teenage girl. I am trying to make it in a way, a romantic comedy? It's just to satisfy myself with inspiration from my own life experiences. Dramatic changes, love, pain, sex and drugs. The story, as of now, starts with her lying in bed the night before school high on extacy. Only have gotten up to the next morning, and it's also something I can work on while I'm on vacation! (: Just thought I'd put that out there.

My Bucket List (Psychology)

Yes, by the way these were hard to come up with because  I have already done many things in my life and they had to be realistic. And I had to give the explanation for each as well.

1. Have a career that makes me truly happy. I always hear about how people aren't happy with what they are doing and how sometimes it is also too late to change their occupation. I want an occupation that I love and want to be at. I would want to do something that I love doing and says a bit about me. I feel that I would have a great job that's connected with aesthetics, music, or some sort of business. I do plan on taking some time off though before I start my career life to explore more about myself and being independent in this world.

2. Get married. It seems to be a specific goal to everyone who wants to be with a partner in their future. That's what society has taught us to be the norm. Get married and have a family. Be with someone and share a connection. I just know that living a happy life and being able to share that with someone I love in the future will make me even happier, and hopefully them as well. Have a good marriage, not one that's about to collapse.

3. Go to every capital in Canada. I feel that it's a bit more reasonable and accessible, also there aren't that many and I've been to many already. I love exploring and traveling so much because that is what I have done many times with my family such as go to the states, Mexico, England, and Portugal. I really want to travel more once out of school and working a simple job to make some money. I also find that it would be amazing to visit each capital as sort of a road trip. That would be absolutely incredible, seeing most of the country we live in.

4. Win a lottery or a large amount of money. This task isn't as self gaining as the others. I would keep some for myself to help me out financially, also depending on when I win it, because I probably won't be a millionaire by then. I would keep some but I would also find a couple of charities give a lot of the money to them as well. My father has done that, and even as a Christmas present this past holiday, a gift of mine was immunizing a community.

5. Speak fluent in another language. I have taken French before for four years but I am not that great at it or able to hold an actual intellectual conversation. If I kept taking lessons or somehow learned more about that or another language I think that would be amazing. Being able to speak to people in another language and maybe even visiting a place where they speak that language. I think that people being able to speak more than one language is amazing, it's difficult to understand, also the grammar is always different.

6. Get my weeping willow tree tattoo. This task I plan to accomplish much sooner then the others. I have gotten a tattoo before and I do plan on getting more and hopefully this one is my next because it has so much meaning behind it. I read this book when I was little about death for children to understand. I like to relate those I know who have past to this because the hardest thing about the person dying is the realization that they are not coming back and what happened has happened. You cannot take anything back after that. I would like to get this tattoo as a small reminder that those I have lost in my life will always be with me and I will never forget them.

7. Go on a vacation anywhere out of Canada with one or a few of my closest friends. This is something I have been looking forward to doing for quite some time. I told myself I would make this happen once I graduated because I'd make sure I'd have the money and the time to do it. Also not too many of my friends are going into school right away either so it would be exploring the self and the world time for us. We always love to be doing something and trying new things.

8. Learn a beautiful song on the guitar, be able to play it, and be able to sing the lyrics to it all at the same time. It's hard, also the fact that I only know a bit of guitar. I would really love to be able to play and "jam" with friends. It sounds and looks like a lot of fun. I used to do it and he taught me a couple of basic things. I just have a tendency to start something and then put it down and find something else and possibly forget about it or have no motive. Serenading someone would be pretty cool too, possibly as a joke. I've always loved the one person with the acoustic and singing, because the music is just so beautiful.

9. Move in with my best friend. You are always talking to them, they are practically family like brother or sister to you, you are super comfortable with them, why not live with them? I think that it's one of the best things to do when you move out of your parents home. We would both be working and living our lives and living together. Sure enough, we may end up moving and hopefully even get my own house to live in. That would be outstanding.

10. Create a famous, or at least recognized, piece of art work. I love art, it's a true passion or hobby of mine. Loved being creative ever since I was young and I even spray painted boards for my walls in my room. No matter if it's an object, painting, sculpture, anything creative and artistic. That would be amazing if I could get it recognized. My best skills would be tracing and shading. Also, free hand and abstract I find to be very unique and beautiful.

This is the Title for a Post!

Hey all you guidos and guidettes! Watch Jersey Shore! Going to be an amazing season, I say.

Anyways, had the cutest little date/meet thing last night. I really don't know what to call it. Went with my bestest boyfriend in the entire world, my bestest best friend in the entire world, and my boyfriend's awesome funny friend. Here is how the night started:

Picked up Sab-Jab, since I was late, we just got booster juice at the mall. Got Jason and headed over to the rink at the Bes. Amazing scenery by the way, I'm not this corny usually but man it would have been super nice to take pictures, and it was a bit chilly but not freezing your toosh off chilly. Carrying on, best place ever! Has free skating and free skate rentals. To be honest, I haven't skated since sometime in elementary school, and I'm in my senior year... been a while. Got to wear those hockey skates for the first time in my life, great! I looked like a true dork too. Kitty ear touque with canada mittens and just layered! Back to the skating, it was a cute little night we had planned. My boyfriend's friend recently broke up with their partner, and I feel bad sympathetically. So, since Sab wants to meet boys I decide, and Jason helped, to intoduce them to each other! It was a great night of skating, nice weather and nice rink. Got to be with three awesome people and guess what! I didn't fall, yet there were close moments. Boyfriend over here was showing off since he was a speed skater when he was young... hehe. We all just fooled around for the most part.

After all that, we decided to go to Timmy Hoes (Tim Hortons) and grab some warm drinks and food. Had a nice chat. (By the way, MAN was Jason a cutie skating with me... just putting that out there) Then I had to take Sab home because her father had an early curfew for her... poo! We went back to Jasons house and the three of us chilled out and watched television. I got to sit there through their bro talk, I was apparently bro enough to listen to it and about how attractive women are. I faded in and out, and was cuddling with him so I didn't care about his 'half' opinions.
Funny thing happened, I was talking to Jason about his friend and my friend... wink wink. And was telling him I want to ask what he thought of her but it may come out awkwardly and he was like I can ask, and this is all being whispered. Then, Grayson peeps up and tells us he knows we're talking about him and I just cover it up saying I was just telling him my curfew. Jason, being the bright trooper his is, says "Yeah, what is your curfew anyways?" Haha, great job. I kind of tried laughing a lot to get off the awkward topic (because it's usually something you normally don't talk about face to face). Got the answer, and eventually Grayson left to go home. Leaving me and Jason, he's such a sweet heart and I am still getting used to the fact that he's mine. Hehe, I WUV IT!

ANYWAYS:
Sorry for killing your brain cells just reading this about a night I had last evening, but I just felt the need to put it out and haven't made a post in a long time. If I get time from this stressful month I will try to post another one.

On Another Note:
When do you think you're too comfortable with someone? Since I want me and Jay to last, I control myself. I know what it's like to have someone constantly messaging you, over protecting you, needing updates where you are and what you're doing, saying what you can and cannot do. I guess I sort of got used to the clinginess, and always talking about us, us, us. I know that's not what a relationship is now. It's agreeing and compromising for someone that you love. Doing anything you can for them and their happiness becomes a main priority to you. They become the reason you breath in the morning and the reason to wakeup. They are the one you constantly check your phone for to see if they texted you. The one you count down the days until you see them next. The one that you can commit to with no worries and trust them with all you have, the only worries you get are because you care. The one you want to show to your friends, not to brag about and show what you got but to show them encouragement and know that there is someone out there for everyone. I believe everyone has that one person that they will meet that has been predetermined in their life. I'm not saying I have found that because it's only the future that holds that secret and I'm not a crazy person that is saying I found him for the rest of my life because I am only in grade 12, but I kind of hope I did. I hope that the search is over now, because there is no one else that I could think of that I would be more happy with than Jason. I want us to last as long as possible. Also, my silly goal is to not fight for a year. So far so good! (:
Going on 8 months soon and super proud and happy with what we have. Anyone else looking for love, trust me... you will find it in the most crazy enough ways. You just have to wait and you'll know it was at worth it and it will come at the right time.

Follow me! And thank you guys for reading! xoxo