Anywho, past while ain't been the greatest but hopefully it's getting better. It really sucks that I'm leaving agan tomorrow at noon to Calgary with the band and choir from my school and will be leaving there on wednesday. Shoot me. Grade elevens and stupid people. Get to be around the 24 hours of the day for 4 days. Stress has been killing me.
My phone is smashed and have to wait to find out how to put shit on my computer since I got a new one and agh! I just feel lost. Don't know what to do with this "gift" of life I was given. I understand that I'm still young and hopeless but honestly, GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK, please and thank you. You, the higher power or whatever, people are not suppose to go through this, mixed emotions, these situations. With what I have been through I could be like 30 by now.
I wonder what it would be like, to move out and just keep to myself for a week. No contact, no appointments, only time I would go outside would be to get food or the essentials or something. Just do some good "soul-searching". As much as I love talking and company, I would want to teach myself to live just on my own. Without dependence which I have been living with for the past 17 years of my life. I want to be independent, free, myself. When you are independent you are yourself. I've accepted myself. I've accepted the way I look and the way I act. The way I am involved in these situations that life throws at me still confuses me. I've accepted the name calling, the thoughts, and the people that are in my life.
Everyone needs something to believe in. Everyone gets by in their own way. Everyone copes their own way. I would really like to know what my future is so I know if this life is worth it. Pulling through all the shit.
Yes, I do and probably always will always wish that I was someone else, someone better, not so damaged. As proud as I am that I made it through all these experiences, I still have a hate towards myself and how blinded I was. How stupid I was and I won't know till the future if I am being stupid now. Concequences will always come. Rewards or punishment. It doesn't matter. It's always going to be about satisfying other people. You're life is about pleasing people and waiting. And the sad truth is, us all being human, we are all waiting to die. Sorry to say that, and I know you're probably thinking "Wow, this chick has problems." But you know I'm right, and all we are doing is trying to stay happy and pull through all the bullshit in life until the day we decease.
We find people to talk to, always looking for the answer to life, find love, happiness, sorrow. We live to feel. We live to die. Isn't that a mindfucker? There will be obsessions and there will be rejections, but that's all about moments. What happens next? The same shit but a different toilet. I scare myself, and I know I scare others because they have told me. I may not be the most upfront about being so fucked up but even though I try my hardest not to let people see it, they still run.
I'm alright with being myself, because no one else is me. But I'm still a mistake making, stupid, hopeless, emotional, dramatic human being, and that's something that is hard to live with.
